Pregnancy - What They Don't Tell You!
As the 3 month milestone is just around the corner it's got me reflecting on that journey that brought my little Jacob into this world. Now if you are my dad or a someone that finds the true realities of what women go through too graphic and gruesome then probably best you don't read on! Now don't say I didn't warn you.
If you are one of those people that dread a smear test then probably best you don't get pregnant. If you dread a smear test and you are already pregnant probably best you don't read on either. Especially if you are into hypnobirthing...They won't want you reading this! Now that I have alienated most people, This is what they don't tell you when preparing to bring a little human into the world.
From day one you feel violated because every bit of your medical history is assessed and you learn things about your partner you never even knew despite perhaps being with them for many years. At the first scan, you feel embarrassed getting your tummy out and the lady pushing your knickers down further and further. Let's face A) It's not the first time your partner has seen down there and B) is that lady gonna stop? How low will she go?
If you hate needles and having your blood taken...again not the best idea to get pregnant. Dracula is always on hand.
They lead you into a false sense of security. They pretend that is as bad as it gets with the invasion of your personal space, but trust me you have it all to come. They leave it until you have no choice. You are so full of baby and fit to burst you have no choice but to let them see your vagina. Whilst being pregnant my lady garden was well maintained. I regularly had the gardener in.
So pregnancy can go many different ways but you are likely to have your lady garden looked at, at some point. My first experience a sweep by a tall scary looking consultant. Imagine my excitement when I have an appointment for my second child and it's the same consultant. All I can think whilst looking at him is you stuck your fingers up my minnie. Nice to see you again!
The second time around I'm induced. I tell my friends I had my first tablet. To two ladies who are yet to experience the joys of pregnancy and labour imagine their reaction when they
it wasn't put in my mouth but my vagina instead.
Add in 3 of these joyful tablets and I'm totally feeling violated vulnerable and it is only just the beginning.
If your hospital is like mine then you probably know everyone and they know you. My town is a small place! Another midwife opens the curtain and it's another person who went to your school, parent of a school friend, ex-colleague of my mum or something along those lines. Quickly my brain is thinking "shit are they gonna wanna see my vagina?" Complete embarrassment. Nothing I can do about it! I just have to lay back, put my feet together and let them drop open. Whilst thinking please don't fart please don't fart. True story!
Another consultant turns up and explained he wants to examine me. Yes, another man and lovely he wants to have a look. This time I'm going up on stirrups. This guy doesn't look like he could even reach the bed let alone reach inside me.
This guy means business he wants to break my waters. No giant ear bud here, he's going for it with 2 fingers. Woosh in they go sweeping around, moving the baby and gush. Waters all over him and the floor. After I got over the trauma. I thought "serves him right for being so keen".
Add in a few more examinations, a fart whilst contracting and then done the baby is here. It's all over right? No. I've torn but they need a second opinion on if I need stitches. I now have 2 ladies staring into my oblivion. Asking me if I want stitches. I don't know I can't see it!
I'm healing it's all fine then they ask if I need someone to check it over. No! No! You are fine. I'm fine... No really, I'm fine with not having my vagina looked at again. It must all be over now surely?
You then have people by people I mean midwives and health assistants, not just any spectators... Watching and helping you breast feed. Some even like to press on your nipple area to assist. I have forgotten what personal space is! We are feeding, success privacy is restored.
No, I get a letter through saying I'm due a smear test. Great here we go again. All modesty lost again. As if you aren't scared enough to let anything into your vagina ever again you're now dealing with partners who can't wait to get personal, smear tests and periods again. Scared to use a tampon and you're dry as the Sahara down there. Take this as a warning. Pregnancy is not for the prude!!
To those who still haven't had sex 4 months on from having a baby. It's like riding a bike ladies. Get back on that saddle people! Just because you've had every tom dick and harry look at your vagina doesn't mean it's any less sacred. Looking forward to getting privacy back - Mum in a Mann's world.
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