What's the returns policy on children?

So today wasn't my finest parenting hour I will be honest. It started off as a pretty standard day. Busy, but standard. Lots of kisses and cuddles from all the boys. One Phil melt down avoided over a tin opener. All was good.

I was in good Mum mode and Mikey was enjoying some messy play time. (I've decided messy play is just too messy for me). All cleaned up and we move to the front room to learn some more of the alphabet.

Fast forward to the afternoon and Jacob has been having very short naps all day and well, being a bit high maintenance. I mean should babies really be this high maintenance?!?

Mikey asks me to play on the computer with him so I say, "in a minute I'm just getting Jacob to sleep". He wonders off to his bedroom and after a short time of him being quiet, I ask him what he's doing. He says something but I wasn't able to translate on this occasions. So I just say "if you need the toilet let me know".

A short time after he wonders out naked. I ask where his clothes are and he casually said: "I just did a poo in my bedroom". I dash the baby to one side and whisk him off to the loo. It's fine, right? It's just a poo? Well no, no it's not.

I inspect the scene of the crime and he's had time to take off his shorts, move his mattress and take a big shit under his bed. It gets worse.....he did it next to his potty training book. I bet he even took the time after to celebrate and press the little cheering button.

Sooooo I lost it. I know I'm meant to do the whole "whoooppps try harder next time". That just isn't working. He knows exactly what he needs to do he just picks and chooses when to do it. So I took away his Lego, his scooter and his popcorn. He starts screaming " I want my mum!" Like I'm an intruder and where has his mum gone. He's right because I turned into the Hulk. Ripped clothes and all.

Rewind to last night and I had to tell Phil to go sit on the loo because his farts smell like he needs it. I mean I have no hope if he still needs guidance....

Back to today. Crap crime scene all cleared up and I'm chilling with child number 2. All is calm again. Until....Jacob opens up a shit storm in his nappy. I mean I'm bored of telling you all about poo but it seems to be a huge part of my life. I'm sorry but I need you to share these precious moments with me. You don't get these moments back.

So I'm about ready to cry and wondering if Michael is still in warranty because he's definitely faulty. I'm hunting high and low for the receipt for Jacob because he's definitely still within the returns policy surely?!?

I'm thinking a job in a zoo would be better than this. At least I know they shit all over the show but I can leave that at work.

I had big plans of cooking a lasagna for dinner. No chance! If you have any tips please comment or send help. Today was tough as a Mum in a Mann's world.